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  • Writer's pictureDiana Pompilii-Rosi

Tantric Sex for Deeper Intimacy

Updated: Jul 4

One of the questions I am asked the most in my practice is “What actually is Tantric sex?” Many people have the impression from modern media that it is about complex, specialized, erotic positions leading to greatly extended sex sessions and mind-blowing orgasms. 


Ok, well parts of that are true, but they don’t look like you might think.


At its core, tantric sex is about strengthening the connection between partners and cultivating an awareness of our minds, bodies and spirits that leads to a heightened experience of our shared pleasure, deeper intimacy, and improved communication.


Through exercises that increase our mindfulness and energy awareness we can learn to create a stronger connection with our partners and to work together to connect on a far deeper level than we may have thought possible.


What is Tantra and How Does it Relate to Sex?


Tantric sex is not the esoteric enigma that modern media portrays. While the idea of prolonged intimate sessions and extraordinary pleasure isn't entirely off the mark, the essence of Tantric sex is much more profound.

A Golden covered mini sculpture of representation of tantra

Tantric sex is about nurturing connection and communication, finding and identifying our needs, and sharing those with our partner(s) while they share theirs with us. This form of communication and connection amplifies pleasure and intimacy, ultimately transcending the physical to a realm of shared energy and consciousness. 


Tantra itself is a holistic healing practice that traces its origins back thousands of years. Tantra encompasses a wide variety of techniques, philosophies and spiritual beliefs spread across many different lineages. While much of the information in the different lineages can vary, there are some basic root beliefs that are shared.


The philosophical roots of Tantra are deeply intertwined with the journey of self-discovery and connection. It’s a path that encourages us to expand our consciousness and liberate ourselves from the constraints put upon us by ourselves or others. This philosophy is not just about personal growth, but also about understanding the interconnectedness of all things. 


Tantra teaches us to see the divine in everything around us, breaking down the barriers between the sacred and the mundane. It challenges us to transcend traditional social and religious norms, fostering a holistic view of life where every experience is an opportunity for spiritual growth and transformation. This philosophy serves as a guide on our journey towards deepening our connections with all things.


On the spiritual side, Tantra is all about the pursuit of enlightenment. It’s a state of deep understanding and peace. Practices like meditation, breath work, and yoga are used to help individuals focus their minds, relax their bodies, and connect with their inner selves. Despite the variations across different lineages, these core beliefs form the spiritual and philosophical bedrock of Tantra.


So how can the principles of Tantra be applied to acts of intimacy?

By increasing our mindfulness and deepening our connections to ourselves and our partners we begin to form lines of communication that did not exist before.


As we learn to think outside the boxes placed upon us or that we have placed upon ourselves, we learn to see the connections we have in a new light, with a different lens.


We learn to enjoy our own pleasure in ways we may not have considered previously, and we begin to see how we can share in that joy with others. As one of the meditation masters and Lama of the Bon Buddhist religious tradition of Tibet so nicely put it: 

"No matter how long the room has been dark, an hour or a million years, the moment the lamp of awareness is lit the entire room becomes luminous. You are that luminosity. You are that clear light." - Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

Core Principles of Tantric Sex


At the core of all Tantra lies connection. This is also the foundation at the core of Tantric sex practices, whether they are done alone or with a partner. Our connection to our own body is the first piece of this puzzle, as without it, we cannot truly be connected to another.


By rooting ourselves into our own experience we can achieve greater mindfulness and awareness. We can gain greater understanding about what feels good for us and what our body wants and needs. By remaining present in that moment, we become the architect of our own experience, rather than just a bystander.


Focus on Breath Work & Awareness

I recommend starting by observing your breath. Don’t try to control it, just observe, and learn how it moves in and out of your body.


As you continue to watch, you will become aware of how your energy rises and falls with your breathing, how your skin reacts to the air flowing over it.


As you continue, you will likely begin to notice more about how your body is feeling in that moment. This is the beginning of mindful awareness. 


As you learn more about your body and the rhythms of its energy, you will see that all interactions also have the same kind of energy flow to them. This is especially true of intimate activities.


Sexual energy is a very powerful force, one that becomes even more powerful when we begin to mindfully interact with it. As we engage in activities that give us pleasure, we can observe our own sexual energy rising and falling in a rhythm of its own.


By learning to work with that energy, we further deepen our connection to ourselves and increase our ability to stimulate or balance it to enhance sexual pleasure.


Energy Awareness

This concept of energy flowing through us leads us to discover that certain parts of our bodies hold more energy than others. In Tantra we call these energetic focal points “chakras.” These chakras are ever present and outline the path of the flow of energy through our bodies that is always happening.


By combining what you learn through observing your breath, and how that flow of energy feels in your body, you can begin to guide it. As we will explore in the next section, something as simple as changing the rhythm of your breathing or moving your touch to different areas can have a profound impact on the experience of a moment. 


Tantric Practices for Starters (No Prerequisites Needed!)


The study of Tantra is something that many people devote their lives to. And, while it is a deep and complex topic, there are things you can do right now to begin learning and exploring. We can break these down into three key areas: mind, body, and voice.

A Women meditating on the floor in a bright sunny room with plants right beside the window, representing tantric practices for starters.

When you begin to explore these areas, remember that they too are interconnected, and when we learn how to access and work with that connection it can create some truly beautiful revelations. 


I spoke above about the idea of being able to change the experience of a moment simply by changing your breathing. While this may sound complex and hard to manage, it is actually very simple.


Start by breathing at your regular rhythm, drawing breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Allow your mind to quiet and your body to relax. Note where your body feels uncomfortable and take what steps you can to remedy those discomforts. Allow your thoughts to slip away and just enjoy the feeling of being in your body as you breathe. 


What you have just done is to begin exploring a meditative state. One in which you are connecting and listening to what your body is telling you. This forms the start of the path towards mindful connection and communication within yourself. As you progress you may wish to try this with a partner and here communication is most important, both verbally and physically.


Be honest with your partner and yourself, let go of expectations and relax into the moment. This not only gives you the freedom to explore without fear of failure, it also begins to form bonds of intimacy and foster connection between you and your partner. 


As you progress through this journey, you can begin to add other elements into your practice as you become aware of them but be sure to tread carefully and remain mindful of what your body is telling you it needs. This path is not a footrace, it requires time and care to navigate. 


Beyond the Bedroom: Tantra's Influence on Daily Life


The practices and techniques of Tantra are not just useful in the bedroom, but also in the rest of our lives as well. The same breathing practice I mentioned above can be very useful in moments of strife as a way to relax yourself and help your body manage the flow of endorphins and other chemicals that flood our bodies in times of stress. 


A woman sitting and laying in a hammock facing the view of the sea. She is peaceful and happy represent the effect of Tantra in life beyond just sex.

Within the context of everyday business, Tantra can also play a vital role. With increased mindfulness comes new perspectives and increased awareness. These can be valuable tools when seeking to understand the motivations underlying a particular situation and navigating a path that is beneficial to all involved. 


With consistent Tantra practice lifting you to new levels of awareness, one also begins to deepen their capacity for compassion, loving kindness, care and understanding for both ourselves and others. It is here that we truly see the benefits of Tantra, as our paths through the world are smoothed greatly when we can tap into this powerful magic. 

 

I know this all seems like quite an incredible journey to come from a starting place as simple as watching your breath. In truth this is only the barest beginnings of the enormous world of changes that come from that simple action. The most beautiful part of all is that it is not just us that we impact when we decide to take this journey, it is all those with whom we interact, love, and invite along.


Adding to the beauty, this journey of connection has no end. While there can be stops along the way through places like deeper intimacy with a partner, or a side quest into a land of couple’s meditation, with Tantra it really is about your journey, not your destination. 


As you leave from this place, I hope you go forth with a better understanding of what Tantric sex truly is, and that I have disavowed you of the sense of fear and suspicion that much of the portrayal of Tantra in modern media has created.


Tantric sex isn’t an esoteric ritual, it is communication, mindfulness, awareness, and beautiful intimacy lovingly created and nurtured for the benefit of all beings. 

If you have any questions about what I have spoken about in this article or in any of the other pieces on this blog, please feel free to email me through the Contact section, I would love to hear from you.


You can also look at the FAQ’s I have posted below or check out the Resources page for some suggestions to continue your exploration. 


Safe Journeys


Frequently Asked Questions

Is Tantric Sex just for couples?

Tantric sex is not just a partnered experience, single individuals can also explore tantric sex. In fact, most Tantric sex practices begin with solo play to allow you to become familiar with the ideas and lessons they teach. Individuals can perform tantric practices like breath work, meditation, and self-love practices to cultivate a deeper connection with their own bodies and minds.


All these practices encourage mindfulness and self-awareness, which can lead to spiritual growth and deeper connections with oneself and in their other relationships (intimate or not intimate). And learning to work with sexual energy individually can enhance personal awareness and pleasure, which can then be shared or cultivated further if the individual does enter into a partner relationship.

Do you need special tools for tantric sex?

No! While there are different toys and elements you can incorporate in tantric sex practices to enhance pleasure, they are not a requirement. The only thing that is required is your desire to learn and explore.

Do I need a coach to teach me Tantric sex?

Need? Perhaps not “need” but having a teacher to guide you along your Tantra journey is definitely something I would highly recommend. This journey is likely to bring up many questions and even some blocks. Working with a qualified professional does ease the journey.

Is Tantra dangerous?

Tantra isn’t dangerous, but it is a journey with ups and downs. When approaching Tantra, one must realize the power of the forces they are working with and approach the journey with respect and care. I recommend considering working with a qualified professional on your leaning journey.


Tantra is likely to bring up things that can be difficult to deal with, it is important to make sure you are prepared for that. Removing blockages is not easy, but it is rewarding in the end.

Does Tantric sex involve drug use?

No. It absolutely does not have to. While it is true that some practitioners choose to use substances in their journey, these are taken mindfully as medicines to aid in that individual’s journey with full transparency amongst all involved. Drug use is not required and is indeed only something that should be considered by advanced practitioners.

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