When we say self-pleasuring most people assume we mean masturbation. They do this because they have been trained to leap to that assumption by a silent campaign of shame that almost everyone on earth has been subject to. It is a campaign that has left us separated from pleasure and lacking any understanding of how much more pleasure is out there.
The truth is that self-pleasure and masturbation are two vastly different things. Where one is a momentary event focused on a physical outcome, the other is an ongoing Tantric journey leading to incredible self-discoveries.
No matter which form you are referring to, solo sexual acts are almost universally demonized as being a “sin” or some other undesirable thing. But the truth is, self-pleasure is one of the fundamental practices of Tantra, and its practice can teach us about not only our bodies, but our minds, spirits and sexuality too.
The History Of Self-Pleasuring
When you type “the history of self-pleasuring” into a search engine, you are rewarded with dozens of articles talking about the history of masturbation and extraordinarily little about the Tantra practice we are talking about in this article. To gain an understanding of what we mean when we say self-pleasure, we must look at two key elements: sexuality and what self-pleasure really is.
What Is Tantric Sexuality?
To put it plainly, sexuality is how we experience and express feelings of affection and attraction towards ourselves and other people. It is not solely about the who but rather encompasses much more of the subtle elements we tend to overlook in modern day life.
Far from just who, how and how often, sexuality is a far deeper piece of who we are as a person. Our sexuality is tied to our self-expression, tied to how we see the world and tied to how we interact with others. Understanding your sexuality is understanding your attractions, learning about why something or someone may not be vibing with you. It affects how we show up in the world, from our mannerisms to our ability to connect with others and how they connect with us.
Within Tantra, sexuality is considered divine. That is to say, we place a high emphasis on cultivating a relationship with our sexuality, learning to understand it, explore it and how to work with it. This knowledge allows us to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, teaches us to value our pleasure and how to increase it. More about why this piece is so crucial a little later.
Self Pleasure Vs Masturbation
We receive a lot of questions about the practice of self-pleasuring. Most of them express some level of confusion about what it actually is. Part of the reason for this is that acts of self-love are often shamed or derided, which has led to the assumption that all forms of self-pleasure are simply masturbation and therefore bad. This overlooks the simple truth that the two activities are actually entirely different things.
Masturbation is focused on the physical act of sexual release, often as quickly as can be achieved. It is physical stimulation for physical release. This is not in any way a bad thing, as so many would make it out to be, but it is a limited practice with only one set aim.
In contrast, self-pleasuring is not constrained by time or focused on a specific outcome. The purpose of a self-pleasure practice is to basically do what it says on the tin, engage in and explore your pleasure. This means the practice is not focused on orgasm, or even solely focused on the genitals. Within self-pleasure practices, we can explore all regions of the body and explore what and how to pleasure them.
So why do the two differ so much? The answer to that is contained in the teachings of Tantra and its view that our sexuality and pleasure are considered to be divine. Tantra teaches that our pleasure is a deep well that can be explored at length, which is where the self-pleasure comes in, not to achieve an outcome, but to be a path of exploration.
The Importance Of Self Pleasure
Shame is everywhere in our culture. As a society, we hold strong opinions on many topics, especially on those topics having to do with sex and sexuality. Our expression of our sexuality is repressed to an almost unfathomable degree in modern culture, and most of us don’t even realize it’s happening anymore.
Whether it be restrictions imposed by religious beliefs, societal “standards”, or unspoken taboo, these silent roadblocks have taken a huge toll on our expression and experience of pleasure. When we are constantly held back, we begin to automatically hold ourselves back, and, over time, to forget the thing we are holding back.
This is a tragedy because sexuality is not actually a terrible thing. Sexuality is something that weaves its way into every corner of our lives. It is a natural part of our self-expression and an integral piece in figuring out how we experience the world. When we repress our sexuality, we are repressing our ability to experience the fullness of our pleasure and holding ourselves back.
In Tantra we have seen countless times the changes that can be brought about when pleasure is brought back into the equation and our sexuality is explored instead of restricted. When we live in the fullness of our sexuality, we live more fulfilled and healthier lives, free of shame. This allows us to heal our wounds, to take pleasure in ourselves, and in turn to expand that outward to the whole of our lives.
How Self Pleasure Can Help You Heal
When most people think of healing from trauma, it is understandable that they do not immediately think of self-pleasure as a tool to help them do that. But a strong self pleasure practice is a surprisingly powerful tool in trauma healing.
Self pleasure is an intimate journey of self-discovery and helps us to connect to ourselves. It helps us create a healthy relationship with our desires by teaching us about what we like and what doesn’t work for us. In turn, this can be extrapolated upon to guide our understanding of other things, like how we like to be treated. Armed with this understanding, we can begin to find those interactions that did not meet our standards and understand the harm caused by them.
Engaging in self-pleasure teaches us the value of our pleasure by showing us what authentic, unadulterated and unrestricted pleasure feels like. This experience encourages us to explore our emotions more deeply, nurture stronger self-love, cultivate a deeper connection with ourselves, and gain a richer awareness of our lived experience. When we apply this awareness to our traumas, we move from instinctive fear-based responses to a more reflective and loving mindset that allows us to consciously heal ourselves.
As this self-connection deepens, it naturally expands itself into other parts of our awareness and influences how we connect to others. As we learn to connect with parts of ourselves that have been long neglected, we learn to see those parts in others and to understand how to connect with those people on levels we might not have considered before.
The Other Benefits Of Self Pleasure
In addition to its uniquely powerful presence as a tool for healing, a strong self pleasure practice can serve as a tremendously useful space for education as well.
As you deepen your self-pleasure practice, not only does your awareness expand, but your emotional capacity, strength and resilience also flourish. The more you learn about your own internal emotional environment, the better equipped you become to explore it more closely and deeply. As you progress, your practice again expands outward, from only in the moment to a global view. From this point, what started as a simple awareness can be a kind of gauge, allowing you to measure and identify what is going on for you in the moment and more effectively manage your emotions in the moment.
Communication benefits are also seen. As you learn to speak to yourself in more loving and aware ways, your outward communication will also change and adapt. The awareness you cultivate in self pleasure will spill out, allowing you to be more present in the moment, communicating more authentically and effectively with those around you. This particularly stands out in terms of communicating with a partner or significant other on almost any level or subject.
This practice can also benefit your sex life in ways you may not expect. In addition to the communication benefits we outlined above, the practice of self-pleasure can greatly increase your ability to last longer during sex. Because the goal of self-pleasure is not orgasm but the experience of pleasure, your body moves away from being outcome focused and naturally wants to experience pleasure longer and more fully. This means you learn to manage your pleasure levels to stay in the moment and not just race to the finish.
When you learn to take pleasure in your sexuality, you simultaneously learn to let go of shame and give space for your natural curiosity to thrive. With this freedom, practitioners are often more empowered to be adventurous because they are not held back by shame and are strengthened by the understanding and awareness of what they like. This also allows them to be more composed and calmer when something doesn’t meet their needs.
The Final Word
Most people would be surprised to discover that the simple act of exploring self-pleasure offers a powerful pathway not only to healing ourselves, but also for nurturing and deepening our connection with others. But we can assure you that it is not only possible, but something we have experienced in our own lives. Speaking from experience, self-pleasure is a transformative practice with life-changing potential benefits.
When we learn self-pleasure, we learn to lift the shame from our shoulders and hearts and transform it into an endless ocean of joy, self-confidence and connection that can benefit ourselves and everyone around us. As we learn to live authentically, we open ourselves to the full experience of pleasure and the many benefits that come with it.
So next time you think about having a little me time, why not let yourself expand a little bit and instead explore what true pleasure can really look like.
If this article caught your attention and you have questions or want to talk more about what self pleasure practices could do for you, you can book a discovery call with us! We would love to talk more with you about this amazing practice and how to integrate it into your life.
Frequently Asked Questions About Self Pleasure
Is self pleasure a sin?
Absolutely not! Humans were made with the ability to experience pleasure for a reason. How you experience your pleasure when you are on your own is no one’s business but yours.
Do I need a partner to learn self-pleasure?
No, you do not. Self-pleasure is a self-guided exploration into what feels good to you! That being said, if you want to learn more about and integrate Tantric teachings into your self pleasure practice, we do recommend speaking with a Certified Tantra professional.
Can I still masturbate if I am practicing self pleasure?
Quite frankly? Your body your choice. We each have the ability to chose what we need in the moment.
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